Those close to me (all, like, five of them, one of which is my dog) know that, depending on the kind of person you are, you should either NEVER accept medication from me, or ALWAYS come to me when you have a medical problem.
If you are a focused soul, who values his or her time and clearheaded-ness, I would steer clear of me should we ever be out together and you find yourself with a headache. If you don't have anything better to do and want to play medication Russian Roulette with your afternoon, I'm your girl. The reason for this is simple-- I carry small handbags. I have a variety of ailments (not all at the same time, generally). I don't have room to carry lots of bottles. So I dump everything in together and hope for the best. I'm just speaking my truth, you guys.
Recently, I was at the mall with Bells who complained that she wasn't feeling well and asked me if I had any Advil. This is how that went:
Me: (Digging around in my purse and unearthing a white bottle marked "Chewable Aspirin." Expiration date 2007.) YEP. Found it. (Hands it to Bells.)
Bells: Um, Mom? That says "Chewable Aspirin." I need Advil.
Me: Oh, it's not aspirin. I think that bottle was leftover from when the dog was sick and I gave it baby aspirin, then dumped it all out later when I needed the bottle. There's Advil in there. That's just the bottle I threw everything in.
Bells: Everything? What is everything? WHAT IS IN HERE, MOM?
Me: (Popping off the lid and pouring it out in my hand.) Hmmm....hard to say, but it looks like Xanax, a different strength of Xanax, Excedrin Migraine, Allegra, a prenatal Vitamin....
Bells: Why do you have a prenatal vitamin? AND WHERE IS THE ADVIL?
Me: Because it makes my hair grow faster. Ativan, more different Ativan that's peach instead of white, Dramamine, Pepto Bismol, a button....
Bells: A BUTTON? Like, a drug called that, or like, a button?
Me: No, it's a button. I think it fell off my sweater a long time ago and I put it here for safekeeping. This one COULD be Ambien or it COULD be Adderall-- guess I won't know until I can't sleep and try taking it.
Bells: What if it's not Ambien?
Me: Eh, whatever. Sleep or alphabetize all my bookshelves, either way is a win.
Bells: MOTHER.
Me: Oh, yeah. Here's some Advil. (Blowing them off because they are covered in random medication dust.)
Bells: (Disgusted.) That's okay. I'd rather not.
Me: Really? What's the problem? It clearly says Advil on them. Look.
Bells: (Still disgusted and now glaring.) Who knows what else got on them in your creepy old bottle, Mother? WHY CAN'T YOU BE NORMAL?
*For the record, I would never give my child a random pill, for all you fools who are judging me right now. I did, in fact, have clearly marked Advil.*
I've never been afraid to take a pill. Well, at least a pill that was my own. I know that there are a lot of people out there who don't like to take medicine even when they need it (I married one of those people) but I am just not that person. If I overdo it at the gym and root around in the medicine cabinet and find a crumpled baggie with what might be a muscle relaxer or might be a rogue Ecstasy tablet leftover from an ill-fated rave in 1996, I'M GOING TO TAKE IT JUST TO SEE. So what if we have Scouts tonight and my grades are due and I have a meeting with the guidance counselor tomorrow morning? I also have a backache. YOLO, bitches. It's not on purpose--I'm just not medicinally organized.
Before any of you medical professionals out there start lecturing me on taking random meds, I'd like to note that anything I have has--probably--been prescribed to me by a real, live doctor even if I told him "I'M A WARRIOR, DAMNIT! WARRIORS HAVE SURGERY WITHOUT PERCOCET!" or "HELL NO I'M NOT ADD. I'M JUST KIND OF SPAZZY AND I THINK A LOT." Or even, "WHY DO I NEED SLEEP? THAT'S WHEN I DO MY BEST INTENSIVE CLEANING!" I feel like if I make it clear to someone that he is giving me something I don't feel I need, then in return I get to fill said prescription, then hoard it and use it at my own discretion. Which is actually pretty random because I'm kind of a health nut. I mean, I won't drink soda or eat fast food, and I work out every single day, but I've been known to take Oxycontin just to get through a Wal-Mart shopping trip during the holidays. And it's not like I run around drugged most of the time (because I know you're thinking that). I'm actually a total med hoarder. I still have pain pills from my appendectomy two years ago that I'm saving for hard times (which means when my Mom comes to visit). Thirty pain pills will last me approximately three to four years unless we have a ton of family gatherings coming up--what else are you supposed to do with painkillers? My threshold for emotional pain is far lower than it is for physical pain. Again, just speaking my truth.
Slightly unrelated side story: one time in undergrad my blood sugar was high so I had a yucky taste in my mouth and I thought I had found a piece of one of those breath strips-- you know, the ones that come in fragile little sheets that dissolve on your tongue--in my purse, but it was actually acid. Nothing like accidentally dropping acid before Geology Lecture and then wondering WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON while somebody talks to you about rocks for three hours, then continuing to live with the consequences for the rest of the day. Those notes were not helpful for the final exam. That was super weird and I wouldn't recommend it, but on the other hand, Geology was super boring and pretty much my least favorite class ever, so, again YOLO. And you don't have to worry about accidentally tripping if you're with me now because those days were over twenty years ago.
But just keep in mind that if you ever ask to borrow some Advil, you might want to proceed with caution.
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