Mothers Dream

Mother's Day is this Sunday, and because we all live very busy lives, I'd be willing to bet that quite a few of you (especially the men) have not yet found time to shop for that *perfect* gift for the Mom or Moms in your life.  That's why, when I found myself wide awake before dawn this morning still all hopped up on cocaine and Red Bull from a hard night of clubbing (--seriously, you guys?  I'm a 40- year-old mother in AUGUSTA.  I just drank coffee too late because I had a migraine and so sleep was a no-go), I decided to do the leg work for you.  Because unlike you, I have my shit together.  YOU'RE WELCOME.

Gift Idea #1 --Baby Teeth Jewelry Holders

This is for the sentimental Mom who held onto all the important items from your formative years.  You know--the hospital bracelet from your birth, old report cards, your foreskin, perhaps....you get the idea.  Now those baby teeth that have spent the last forty years in a jar on her dresser can finally be put to good use.  Think of the one-of-a-kind pieces you could create.  And all Moms love jewelry!

Gift Idea #2-- A Good Book

This is for the crafty Mom who likes to stay (and get) busy.   Honestly, this book is a multitude of gifts in one-- it's something to read, it's a fun activity you and Mom can do together....the list goes on and on.  Picture this--It's raining on Mother's Day and you can't take that picnic you planned?  WELL, HELL, break out the glue gun, it's time for Plan B!

Gift Idea #3--Bread Slippers

I assume you can toast them and they will keep your feet warm for a while?  Then when they cool you can pull them off and arrange them with your charcuterie?  The description wasn't really all that clear, but shipping appeared to be free, so that's a win.

Gift Idea #4--A Priceless Collectible

I'd just like to start off by saying that sometimes we find things on the Internet that we are so horrified by that we can't even look away.  And that once we peel our tired, over-caffeinated eyes from it, we go down a rabbit hole of trying to Google Translate the foreign writing on the box.  And then the next thing we know, three hours have gone by and we realize that we are now three hours closer to our own inevitable demise, but WE DON'T EVEN CARE BECAUSE THIS IS SO FUCKING WEIRD IT WAS WORTH IT.  YOLO, bitches.

Gift Idea #5--A Face Exerciser

You guys, I swear that's what this was advertised as being.  It's supposed to help tighten your lower face as you get older to help keep you from getting those "jowls" that old people get.  Jesus can just go ahead and strike me down now if I'm lying.  So.....get it for the beauty conscious Mom?  Or wait and send it to her as a Father's Day gift for Dad?

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Gift Idea #6-- Personal Training

I know I already listed one book, but I love books and I feel like this one has great gift-giving potential.  Obviously, this is for the fitness-savvy Mom who also loves her some pussy.  (Sorry, I couldn't help it.)  Seriously, though, it appears that this one tome covers every fitness need you could possibly have, all while incorporating quality time with your beloved pet.  Think of the multi-tasking potential!  AND DID YOU SEE THE STICKER?  Can you BELIEVE this shit is available for less than $5????

Gift Idea #--A Decal of An Asian Man I Found On Amazon

I don't know who this guy is or why anybody would want him, but his decal is life-sized and only $28.  So there you go.  I saved him for last because I guess this is for the Mom who has everything.  Or almost everything.  What I really want to know is if this guy is the seller, selling decals of himself.  And if not, who IS the guy and does the seller even know him?  Does this guy know he's being sold on Amazon?  Should I start selling decals of myself on Amazon?  

I should probably try to go back to bed.  Happy Mother's Day shopping, y'all!